On direction
I’m arguably as lost as I am found today. I know exactly where I am at this moment, even if I may not know at all where I am going. In a sense, I have no direction. However at the same time, I have an exhausting list of potential directions.
It is okay to be lost. It is okay to not feel like I have direction. Honestly, that is not how I have been feeling. I’m writing this to both try to will that feeling that it’s okay into being as well as acknowledging to myself that some part of me does know that it is in fact okay. Not only will it be okay, it is okay at this very moment.
There is a tendency to write about difficult moments, lessons learnt, only after they have passed and only after we have learned them. I am wading somewhere through thick fog right now. I do not yet know where I am going or how this chapter will end and I feel compelled to stretch myself to write and put this out there from this uncomfortable place. This place, where it doesn’t all make sense yet. This place from which I cannot weave the narrative together just yet. The place where I am just simply lost and confused, and it’s okay.
Yes, Anya, you… do you hear that? It’s okay.
I grew up atheist, for lack of a better word. Over the past year (the infamous 2020), I’ve found myself exploring spirituality more so than I’ve ever dived into before, closest I’ve been to really feeling it’s a thing. I mention this because growing up, I’ve believed there is no right path, perhaps not even a right person. Combined with my journey and explorations inside thus far however, perhaps I’d like to evolve this statement to be that I believe the path I’m on, whichever path I choose, is the right path. Perhaps it’s as simple as that?
This piece is moving into a pep talk to myself maybe. I love to use my flawed logic everywhere I go, even when I go nowhere at all. I’ve become a master of using very subjective logic, which I perceive as perfectly rational and objective, to crowd my mind and bend it to any direction I may have caught myself at the whimsy of at that moment, in that phase. So back to the pep talk. Based on the logic above about the right direction being whatever direction I’m currently on or whatever direction I choose… I cannot lose. Any direction I go, I have the power to make it the right direction. In fact, I do not even need to exert any power. It will simply be the right direction because it is the direction I chose.
I have direction, even if I feel like I have no direction.
I am in the right place, simply because I am in this place.
